- Now you do understand Mr. Jameson
that basically our preference at the rare books annex
is that access to all our books and documents
is kept to an absolute minimum.
In fact we prefer the no one even look
at our books and documents.
- Of course, of course.
- Most of our possessions are unique and irreplaceable.
Now we processed your request, I'll just, one sec.
I'll need some identification.
- Oh dear, of course, wait, of course.
- Are you feeling alright Mr. Jameson?
- Certainly of course, yes, of course.
- Okay I just need your signature right here and here.
- Yeah.
- And then we'll need to attach the authorization
from the university.
- Oh yes, of course, yes, right.
- Thanks.
Well everything seems to be ship shape.
Now you do understand you'll have to be gloved and masked
before you can handle the shelley manuscript?
- Certainly, of course.
Oh, I actually didn't bring any--
- oh don't worry we provide them.
- Could I just, my.
- Oh sorry.
- Thank you. - Here you go.
Okay, you sit here.
- Thank you.
- Put these on.
Here you go. - Alright.
- Okay-
oh no no, no no no, don't touch the gloves to the face,
skin oil. - Sorry, sorry.
- Let me do it here.
Okay.
There we go.
- Thank you. - Now you just, just relax,
and I'll be right back.
- So this is it huh?
- This is it.
- In her own handwriting, a piece of literary history.
- It must be quite a privilege to have access
to works such as this.
- I wouldn't know, the librarians in the rare books annex
aren't allowed to handle the books.
- Oh I'm sorry.
- Don't be sorry, I'm a professional.
Alright I'll be at my desk if you need me, okay?
- Yes, thank you.
- Uh huh. - Thank you.
- Quarrels.
- Oh miss Christina.
- I heard that someone's reading the shelley manuscript?
- Oh yes yes, Mr. Jameson from the university of Chicago.
- I don't care if he's from the Vatican,
that's hardly the point now is it?
- Isn't it?
Well I mean he followed all the procedures,
he had all the right identification--
- I don't care if he has a letter from the president.
That's hardly the point now is it?
- Well I'm sorry miss Christina
I guess I don't know what the point is.
- Quarrels, you're new, and I understand that,
and you're obviously delightful person.
- Well thank you.
- But your delightfulness is hardly the point now is it?
- Apparently not.
- The point is, our mission, our reason for being here
in the rare books wing is preservation correct?
- No one could possibly argue with that point.
- Exactly, and our motto is?
- The truth shall set you free?
- No.
- Our motto is minimum handling equals maximum preservation
and the minium amount of handling is?
- None. - Exactly.
- So let's get with the program shall we?
The reason we have such byzantine qualifying procedures
is to keep people away from our manuscripts.
- Thank you very much.
- Excuse me sir, but don't you know
that you're not supposed to handle the book carriers?
- I'm sorry.
- Only the librarians are to handle the book carriers
to handle the manuscripts.
- Well, you see it's alright.
- We'll have to make a notation on your file
and this could have a negative impact on future requests.
- Oh, well that's alright really,
and I'm sorry of course, but I have what I need
so thank you and sorry, goodbye, nice to have met you.
- Now make the notation in his file
and this will give us grounds to refuse him
on future applications.
- Okay I've got it.
- Quarrels if you want to make it in the world of rare books
you have to be creative about these things.
Now let's put her back in the stack
soshe'll be nice comfortable.
- Of course.
- Quarrels. - Hmm?
- There's a Rita Mae brown reading
at the Barnes and noble this evening.
I thought if you were free maybe we could--
- well-- - cheese and wine?
- Well actually I have, i need to do something,
I need to do something.
- Ah well, fine, fine, fine.
Very good then quarrels, not a problem.
I'll see you tomorrow and don't forget
to finish transcribing the histories of the new orvvells.
- I'm gonna go to hell for this.
Oh my god.
Excuse me. - Yes?
- I think I must have the wrong address,
I'm looking for--
- what address? - 927 central.
- Oh, just a sec.
Sheila is this 927? - Yeah.
- This is 927.
- Yes I know but I'm looking for--
- who are you looking for?
- Right I'm looking for a David Raleigh.
- Oh yeah yeah he's here.
- Yes I see but isn't this supposed to be a,
I'm looking for David Raleigh who's a--
- detective?
- Well yes.
- Oh god he's gonna be so thrilled.
So what is it, what's the case?
Is it like a divorce thing or something?
- Well.
- Oh right, confidential, confidential.
Oh right he's in the back, right back through here.
- Okay, thanks. - Sure.
- No no no it's a boxed laser set.
Right, right.
Well we have barbwire dolls.
Irina the bare breasted countess and vampyros lesbos.
Yeah.
No they're all uncut,
completely uncut director's approved editions.
Right.
Come on of course they're letter boxed Larry
how long have I been working with you?
- So how much are they,
can I pick them up tonight or?
- Yeah, yeah. - When?
- Yeah, Larry let me call you back.
Yeah right.
Yes I'm on the look out
for the uncut cut and run, right, yeah.
- Okay, but call me okay?
- Okay, okay.
- Bye. - Yeah bye.
Hi hi hi.
You need a membership right?
- I'm sorry?
- We just need to see some ID and a recent telephone bill.
- No no no look, I'm looking for David Raleigh.
- Well, c'est moi.
- David Raleigh the private detective?
- Great.
Just, just, oh great just stay right there,
just hold on, hold on.
Sheila!
Shelia no interruptions okay?
Have a seat please.
Please, I'm sorry I'm just trying to get my office
still set up you know.
Oh.
That's my rate card there.
So how did you hear about my services?
- Well a friend of mine.
Actually your sister Maggie, she recommended you,
I know her from dance class.
- Right, right so what did she say?
- That if I was looking for someone cheap you were it.
- Well cheap is an itch right?
I guess you just kind of figured out
I'm just starting in business right?
- Right.
- Well I manage the store you know just to make ends meet.
- Mr. Raleigh look I work as a librarian,
I don't have a lot of money.
- Oh hey hey, no problemo, that's for my rich clients,
when I get them you know.
So miss, miss?
- Quarrels.
- Quarrels, miss quarrels.
I want you to tell me all about it.
- I did some checking myself,
Jameson is a real person,
his credentials do check out,
but he wasn't the man who came into the library.
- Ah an imposter.
- And I have no way of knowing who he might be
or where he might be.
This manuscript is priceless Mr. Raleigh,
it's Mary shelley's original draft of Frankenstein
written in her own handwriting.
It cost the library over $170,000
and that was over 20 years ago.
- Hmm, so have you told anybody about this?
- If I did that I wouldn't just be out of a job.
I'd be out of a career.
- Do you mind if I keep this?
- Yes, go ahead.
Mr. Raleigh can I ask you a question?
- Sure, sure go ahead, go ahead.
- Suppose you managed to find this person,
what do we do then?
I can't involve the police.
- Ah don't worry about that.
Now we have ways of making people cooperate.
- Such as what?
- Well, I'll just kind of lean on him you know?
What, what, what?
- You'll lean on him?
- Oh what, yeah, like I don't lean on anybody?
- Oh yeah I'm sure you'll come crashing down on him
like a ton of air.
- Air, that's good, that is,
I'm having witty rapporte with a beautiful blonde.
- Oh my god
I haven't finished even paying off my student loans yet.
- Oh god.
- My whole professional career is going to be over.
Well look you've got my card.
Call me if by some bizarre twist of fate
you manage to find something out.
- Oh look, look, don't worry about it miss quarrels,
I won't disappoint you.
- Well given my expectations i doubt that you could.
- That's great.
- Sweet Jesus.
- See ya.
- David!
- Jesus.
- What are you doing?
- Do you mind, is the store closed?
- Yeah, what are you doing?
- Trying to get some finger prints.
- Yeah, what's the fish tank for?
- Simplemente, watch.
So we're like that.
And the crazy glue papers will stick to the finger prints.
See, there we go. - Wow.
That's cool.
Like those invisible ink pens.
Did you ever have one of those when you were a kid?
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh Jesus.
There we go. - Oh god.
- Look at that huh?
- Sweet.
- Just like magic.
- That's cool.
- That's no good.
That one's no good.
There's a good one, right male thumb print.
- How do you know it's male?
- Because I'm trained.
Now, we can isolate the print like so
and we'll run it through
the national fingerprint clearing house.
And just to be nice we're gonna limit the search
to male, say between the ages of 35 to 65, Caucasian.
Sound good?
- I don't know.
- Yeah, well now we just let her rip
and for a mere $650 of my client's money
we should have our answer by morning,
if this guy's ever been fingerprinted.
- Good luck.
- Hi.
- My god, don't you believe in knocking?
- Well.
Whoa this is nice, real nice, very nice place.
- Listen I gotta get to work you know
and I really don't like you just popping up at my--
- ls that your man?
- Oh my god, yes, yes-
who is he?
- His name is doctor Winston berber.
He was arrested once about six years ago
for stealing computer components from a lab in bel-air.
Suspended sentence.
I got a list of around 20 possibles
from a fingerprint search I did.
Most of them were either in jail
or didn't match your description.
This one seemed the most likely
because he has doctorates up the wazoo.
You know the kind of guy that would be interested
in stealing first editions.
- Where is he?
- That I don't know yet.
I just wanted to make sure he was the right guy.
Now that I know who he is finding him should be a breeze.
- This is incredible.
I mean what can I say?
I guess I owe you an apology.
I mean when I met you last night
I thought you were just some sort of a--
- a dope?
- Well something like that,
but I was wrong, I mean, this is amazing.
- Well that's just an image I project, you know,
to put people off guard.
- Well, you do it very well.
- Well it's something I've been working on since puberty.
Listen I gotta go make some calls and--
- all I want is to get that manuscript returned unharmed.
That's what's important to me.
- Guy endore, the werewolf of Paris, yes.
The mummy, Nina wilcox Putnam.
And Mary shelley's Frankenstein.
And soon, bram stoker's Dracula, yes.
- Hi. - Oh hi, hi.
- Haven't heard a word from you in two weeks,
what's going on?
- Hey lady wait your turn.
- I'm not checking out a videotape.
- Relax, relax, jeez I'm working on it here.
- You're working on it?
- Yeah, yeah I found out all kinds of stuff
about this berber guy.
Like he's got a phd in physics, another one in mathematics,
another one in folklore and another one in philosophy.
- Wonderful, a renaissance thief?
- That's good, look you're--
- have you found out where he lives?
- Actually no, the probation department
had an address on him but that was six years old.
His forwarding address was a post office box,
but that too has been closed for three years.
" $0?
- So honey when I figured out--
- excuse me?
Don't call me honey.
- Right sorry, miss quarrels.
- Come on honey, move out of the way.
Have you got portrait of a lady?
- No, I'm sorry it's out.
- Oh thank god my wife is out of luck.
Give me the bad lieutenant
and see if you have head of the family please.
- Right-- - I'll get it.
- Thanks. - Well?
Oh right, remember I told you
he'd been pinched for stealing some computer components?
Well it turns out he tried to buy the same components
from the company he later robbed.
I was about to get my hands on a copy of the way bill
when the computer went down.
- Well can't you just go down and get a copy in person?
- Oh no no, it's not the same computer I use for detecting,
I mean this computer.
Now we've had to do all the check ins and check outs
on these pain in the ass index cards.
I got a guy coming tomorrow to fix it
so I should be able to devout some more time--
- you want to know something, you're fired.
Do you you understand?
You are fired.
- How about the Bridges of Madison county?
- Sorry it's out sir.
- Oh great then can I have wild at heart
and is hideous available yet?
- Could you just wait a second here?
I've got an emergency situation.
- No I have an emergency situation
and you're not dealing with it.
You know it's true what they say,
you get what you pay for.
Now I'm going to do what i should've done in the first place
and get a real detective out of the yellow pages.
- Come on, come on miss quarrels, just,
I promise as soon as I can-- - hey listen,
your tape messed up my vcr.
What're you gonna do about it?
- Yes, yes, hi.
I don't know if you remember me, but here,
I have this request and i think I have all the necessary.
Well you see I'm looking for the Dracula first edition.
There see it's the oldest extant copy in north America
which is why I wanted to,
if you're too busy I could just--
- jail. - I could leave this and,
I'm sorry?
- Police arrest, trial, grand larceny, jail.
Berber!
- I don't know what-- - jail, 10 to 15 years,
homosexual gang rape, convict found hanging in his cell.
Where's the shelley?
- I'm sorry I don't know--
- where is the shelley huh?
Did you sell her?
- Oh no, I mean I don't know what you mean, I, I,
please, please, please please don't,
don't call the police, please.
I'll do anything.
See I can't explain, it's a mental condition.
- I want that manuscript back.
- Oh fine I'll just go and get it.
- Do not move.
- I'll go get it and--
- freeze book thief!
- I'm not feeling to good,
I think I'm hyper ventilating
and I don't have good blood sugar.
- You just stay right there
and I'm gonna make a call to somebody
and then the three of us are gonna go
and get back that manuscript,
and god help you if you've destroyed it.
I will crush you.
- Hot shot video.
- David Raleigh please.
- Just a sec.
David!
- Yeah? - Phone.
For you.
- Hey big Dave on the line, what can I do you for?
- Yes big Dave this is client Anna.
- Oh hey hey, I've been working on your--
- nevermind I've got the guy.
- I'm sorry.
- I've got him right here,
he came back to the library.
- Well that's great, that's fantastic.
You better be careful.
- I don't think that's gonna be a problem.
Now look you just get yourself here
and then the three of us will go
and get back that manuscript.
- Right, right, okay.
Do you think you could hold out until about five o'clock?
- What?
Oh god.
- Hello, hello, hello?
I don't like the sound.
- I'm truly sorry, but really you left me no choice,
I'm not usually a violent person.
Well I'm violent but usually in an intellectual sense
not in a physical sense.
Oh, sorry.
I'm sorry but really it's your own fault.
Oh god.
Oh good, good, you're awake good.
- Get me off this table
you stupid miserable perverted monstrosity now!
- Stop, stop, stop it.
- Untie these straps.
- Now now, just listen, just be quiet.
- You're history you little pervert.
No you're archeology, as in old garbage.
- If you don't, if you don't be quiet
I'm going to stun you again, now quiet.
I cannot work like this.
Quiet, you just, this is completely and 100% your own fault,
you have only yourself to blame so don't blame me.
I happen to be exploring the boundaries of human knowledge.
You, you're just a library so just shut up.
- Oh I see, so this is my own fault.
- Yes that's right.
- You're disgusting.
What was it some sort of childhood trauma?
Fondled by uncle Charlie so now you have to steal books
and tie up intellectually superior women
to get some sort of pitiful sexual thrill?
- Intellectually superior?
Excuse me, excuse me,
I don't want to prolong this conversation
but strident librarians don't fulfill any fantasy of mine.
I just need you for a human sacrifice.
- A what, what did you say?
- A human sacrifice.
I don't suppose by some chance that you're a virgin?
- What?
That is none of your business.
- Yes, well that's what I thought.
- And what is that supposed to mean?
- Well if you were a virgin you'd have said,
"of course I'm a virgin right?"
- No that's not necessarily true.
- Well then you are a virgin?
- That's none of your business.
- Yeah, well exactly that's what I thought.
But well it really doesn't matter,
I can adjust the equations,
although ideally it should be a naked virgin
between 20 and 35 years of age,
but it's alright excuse me.
- What are you talking about?
- Oh I am sorry, I thought that someone
who was so intellectually superior
would know what I was doing.
- Exploring the bottom most depths of a paranoid delusion.
- No no no, I happen to have created an archetype inducer.
- Oh okay, gotcha.
- You know for someone who's about to be reduced
to a quantum state you're very, mouthy.
This machine when I get it up and running
has the power to transform mythic, cultural
and literary archetypes into living entities.
- Oh really, ooh oh my god ooh.
- Well you just scoff while you may my dear,
but in just a few minutes
I'm going to bring four cultural archetypes to life.
The four figures most emblematic of the powers of darkness.
- Ooh, please do tell, do tell.
- Yes, yes, the werewolf, the mummy,
Frankenstein's monster and Dracula.
I will bring them to life and they will serve my will
and then I'll have real power,
I'll have power to rule the world.
- Or at least get back at everyone
who was mean to you in high school.
- I never went to high school, I was too smart,
I had tutors.
- Alright, any time now, just about there.
- Just do it already.
- Almost, here we come.
- Hey!
- Raleigh.
- Back off!
- Raleigh.
- Jesus what the hell is going on here?
- Oh god nevermind.
Well you sure took your time about getting here.
- Well I got the address
from the shipping company no problem,
but then I got lost on the highway
because some idiot gave me the wrong directions,
let's go, let's go.
- No wait, the manuscripts.
- What are you crazy?
- Get them, they're in the glass boxes, hurry.
Be careful.
Gently, gently there, they're irreplaceable.
- Tough shit so am I.
- Come on. - Let's go.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
- Sometime this summer please, god.
- Relax, jeez.
- You will be so kind as to explain all of this my friend?
- So what can I say, all is well that ends well huh?
I mean you got your manuscripts back,
there's no need to go to the police,
and there's no need for anyone to know
you were connected to professor beanie back there.
- What can I say?
You did a pretty good job.
- Yeah I was pretty cool.
So you want to grab a bite to eat?
- No.
- No? Oh.
What about Friday night?
- No.
- Oh you have a boyfriend?
- No.
Well I mean not anymore.
I thought I met a really nice guy you know.
Smart, good looking,
but then I found out that his favorite author was ayn rand.
I mean after that what was the point?
Things just couldn't be the same.
- So why don't you take a chance with me?
- Well one, I'm smarter than you,
two, I'm older than you,
three, we have nothing in common, sorry.
- Well, don't be sorry now, just wait 'til you get my bill.
- What you are telling me my good doctor
is that until you activated this machine of yours
I had no real existence at all?
- Yes that's right, you were based on a historical figure,
but basically you are a work of fiction.
You were created by a writer named bram stoker
and you've been portrayed on the stage and in the movies.
- Movies?
- That's not important really.
- And all my memories, my battles with the turks,
my adversary Van Helsing?
- That's all fiction, none of it really happened.
You come from a book just like them.
- It seems as if I know them all, as if from a dream.
- Yes, that's not surprising,
after all you all came from the same literary traditions.
- Literary tradition?
No.
How could I fail to recognize my brothers in darkness?
You assembled from the bodies of the dead,
you walk the earth knowing neither love nor peace,
but only the desire for revenge against the race of men
that's spurned you.
And you, of royal blood, far more ancient than my own,
condemned and buried alive,
doomed to walk the earth forever.
And you my friend, of fang and claw,
how should I who have run with the wolves
in the light of the moon not know you?
I know you all very well.
But you, my friend,
you I do not know.
- Oh well, I'm Dr. Winston berber, hi.
Well what was I saying?
Oh yes, I have constructed this machine,
this archetype inducer which enables me to bring figures
from history and literature to life.
- And why did you choose us for this honor?
- Oh well you see I thought I'd use the archetype inducer
to create the most famous, pardon the expression, monsters
from literary history to help me to achieve power
and well basically, revenge
against everyone who's ever wronged me.
- I see, an admirable ambition to be sure.
- Like that women at the bureau of motor vehicles
she's right up there on my list.
- Your most lucid explanation fails however
to explain why we are all this size.
If memory serves I was significantly larger
when I was fictional.
- Oh well, obviously that wasn't part of the plan.
- Obviously you will need to remedy this.
- Well first we need to get this lab
back into working order.
- These books, these archetypal--
- oh no we shouldn't need the books.
According to, well according to this
we should be able to pick up where we left off
and bring you all up to normal size if--
~ if?
- Well see we need the girl
because she's part of the equation now
and we need her for the sacrifice.
- Ah ha, so the solution stands before us.
My dear doctor you will repair
this most interesting machine of yours,
and we four shall find this girl.
We nightmares made flesh shall walk the night again.
- You're absolutely right I'm not going to pay it.
Oh?
Well I'm telling you
that $6,200 for the amount of hours you spent--
what expenses?
What else?
What?
Oh, I'm ungrateful?
Well let me tell you something.
Listen I'm gonna have to call you later
but we are not through discussing this, goodbye.
- Boy trouble?
- Oh no no no.
No, just business,
someone sent me a rather ridiculous bill a few weeks ago.
- Oh well.
- Well, have a nice weekend miss Christina.
- I need your help on Monday.
- Oh?
- I'm cataloging the new gertrude Stein acquisitions
and I thought it was something we could work on together.
- Oh.
- See you on Monday.
- Well,
okay.
Bye.
- Yeah that's the rare book annex
so she must still be there.
- Jane eyre.
Oh Jane.
Oh my god Jane.
Hello?
Who's there?
Oh no, oh no, oh my god no.
- We'll return to your laboratory doctor and quickly.
You told us the woman would be with the rare books.
There was no one else.
- Well I know but she just isn't the one.
I mean the one I wanted was blonde yes,
but she was smaller and well it just isn't her.
- So another precious night has been wasted.
Perhaps not.
She is ample, full of life.
Full of blood.
No.
I shall not feed tonight,
we will try this one, prepare your machine doctor.
- No, but you see I mean for the procedure to work,
see, it has to be the original girl.
This woman, even if we were starting from scratch
she wouldn't do, ideally it should be a naked virgin
under the age of 35.
- Well certainly she could be undressed.
- Oh, true, true,
but I'm afraid she just strikes out
on the other two or three sides.
- Speak plainly woman.
- Who are you?
What's going on here?
Help, police!
- Silence!
Listen well.
Death is the least terrible thing
that might happen to you tonight.
So speak plainly and tell me your age,
how old are you?
- I'm 33.
- And are you a virgin?
Answer.
Or I will compel you to answer.
- How do you define virgin?
- Innocent of carnal relations with men.
I believe that is still the definition.
- Oh, well I suppose in a manner of speaking I am.
- Excellent.
Prepare her.
- But I told you it won't work
unless it's the original girl honest.
- There's no harm in trying.
To your chambers.
- Now wait, hold on, please wait.
- Oh my god.
- Now, I'm the master around here just stop.
- You are the master?
- Well yes.
You see right, well right here,
I created you and that makes me the master.
- Very well then.
Prepare the virgin for the sacrifice master.
- Alright, fine, fine,
but I'm not going to be responsible.
- Sacrifice, what do you mean by sacrifice?
- Be quiet, I'm sorry I must have quiet.
- My dear doctor you may proceed.
- Well fine, fine, but it isn't going to work
because you brought the wrong girl.
- May I suggest that you remember
that you are addressing royalty?
Do not compel me to chastise you.
- Fine, fine, just go into your chamber.
- Where are they going?
- All you have to see is the terms.
All you have to do
is have some basic mathematical understanding.
Fine, fine, I'll do it, no no, I'll do it.
It's my fault, it's all my fault.
- What are you doing?
- None of your business.
Oh my god.
- Oh well, it was worth the attempt.
We must go and find this other girl.
I feel the coming of morning.
We must rest, when I awaken have your carriage ready doctor.
Rest, while the hated sun shines my companions.
Soon it will be our time again.
- No, now you listen to me.
I may work out of the back of a video store,
but I'm a professional, do you understand me?
No no no, you listen, I am not a charity.
You know when you first came in you knew my rates,
you knew there'd be expenses,
well those are the rates, and those are the expenses.
Lady I came through for you.
I saved your book, I saved your job, I saved your ass.
And now I want my money, do you understand me?
Or am I gonna have to take you to court?
'Cause I don't think you'd like that, no I don't.
It's good, it's good.
- Please don't.
I dislike these electrical lights.
So unnatural, better to leave it dark my friend.
- Who's that, who's there?
- Please tell me where is the girl?
- Jesus.
I don't know what you're talking about.
- Come now, would you lie to me?
- What the hell are you?
- I am told most everyone knows of me,
though perhaps you imagined me somewhat taller.
- Look I don't know whether I just stumbled
into some fellini movie or something,
but you better stay right where you are little guy
or I'm gonna brain you with this.
- Well my ragged friend, by all means brain me.
Now, I ask you again, where is the girl?
- I don't know who you're talking about.
- It hardly matters, in a moment when our blood has mingled
there will be no secrets between us.
- Ha.
Ah thank god I'm catholic.
- Come quickly, he will lead us to the girl.
- Oh yeah, oh yes vector functions, vector functions yes.
That cancels out the Bentham term
and when the ritual is complete
that will zero out the submissive terms
and then they have to obey me
and then when they're full size they'll be mine.
Let's just see you mouth off then little mister count.
- What in the world?
Come oh, come on, come on.
Oh god, oh god.
- Whoa whoa whoa whoa it's me, it's me, relax.
What's going on?
What happened to your clothes?
Answer the second question first.
- Berber.
- I know, I know, he's alive and kicking
and there are a whole bunch of these little--
- I know, I know, listen to me we've gotta get out of here.
This way, this way.
What is this, there's more of them?
- Oh my god. - This way, this way.
- Back, back back back.
Oh man.
- Get them, get them.
- No, don't hit me, don't hit me.
- Call them off.
Call them off or I'll break your neck.
L,lll--
- I believe that the doctor is trying to tell you
that he is no longer in a position to call us off.
No doubt he planned to be, but such is life.
- Okay then you back off or I'll break his neck.
- Shame on you young man,
one oughtn't to speak so casually about breaking necks
to those who have actually done it.
- If he dies what's gonna happen to you huh?
What are you gonna go around all eternity
carrying a step stool so you can bite people in the neck?
- You make an interesting point, but not a compelling one.
We need the girl in order to achieve full size.
Are you prepared to give up the girl
in exchange for your life?
I thought not.
Another empty headed romantic.
- I swear to you if you come any closer
I'm gonna break--
' enough!
If you wish to break his neck go ahead.
You may find that it is neither so quick
nor so easy as you may imagine.
- David!
- Back off or I'll turn you to ashes.
Run!
- Oh god no.
- You wouldn't have really let him kill me would you?
- Get back into your carriage fool
then console yourself with the knowledge
that you will continue to live
as long as I have use for you.
- Of course master.
- No get your nasty hands off of me.
Stop it, quit it, let go of my arms!
You with the bandages get your moldy little hands off of me.
Stop it now, quit it!
- Would you please be quiet.
It's hard enough to concentrate without you screaming.
- Hard to concentrate? Good.
How's that?
Here's another one.
You sick neurotic degenerate.
- Hey hey hey hey what the hell's going on here?
- We're sacrificing your girlfriend
in order to make the monsters full size
now you just be quiet
because you're not going to be around much longer either.
You think you're mighty tough with those muscles,
well you're not so tough now are you?
- She's not my girlfriend.
Just, would you just wait, just wait.
- Why?
- Because you're forgetting something.
- And what is that?
- Well that's for me to know and for you to find out.
- Oh god.
- Hey I don't hear you coming up with anything
little miss masters degree.
- Come on, come on, let's go, let's go, let's go.
I mean, master, go go go.
- Wait. - What?
I mean, sorry, what?
- This girl, she is our last chance to be made whole.
- Yes and?
- And if it fails, we will not have another?
- Yes that's right, bingo, you got it,
so let's get busy.
- Silence you pathetic fool.
Listen to me and speak plainly.
Is there anything you have forgotten,
is there anything we can do to assure success?
- Well look see she's the one we started with.
She's a female, she's the right age,
she's not a virgin, but well what can you do?
Not my fault.
- Your fault for choosing her in the first place.
- Yes, well, what can I say?
Mea culpa, look, the tolerances should work.
- I do not want any failure.
Suppose we find another virgin
and sacrifice her along with this one?
- No, no no no, you see two girls would unbalance the term.
In order for it to work, let's see, yeah.
Oh okay in order for it to work
it would have to be a male between 20 and 35 years of age,
not naked, well the not naked part is easy,
but well try to find a virgin male between 20 and 35
and well, oh.
- What?
- Well?
My young friend the age is correct,
the gender, but as to the state of your virginity?
- Well what, what are you kidding me?
- Speak quickly and tell me who, when and where?
- It was a long time ago you know, it was,
it was a friend of Doyle, Doyle,
and it was in the back of my car.
- I see.
- No no, it was a 1988 Ford, you know the bull.
- Take him. - No, just, just,
hold on a sec, just, just--
- sorry, let's begin.
- She had mole on her thigh, she wore pink panties.
Just leave me alone, what are you doing?
- Pink panties?
- Don't worry I'm working on something.
- Oh good.
- Oh you think I'm kidding, you'll see.
- Now to your chambers.
- Wait, wait.
- Sorry it's getting late.
- No.
Please speak.
- Oh come on what is she gonna say?
"Please, please don't kill me," no sorry time to die.
- Silence!
If it amuses me to hear her I need no other reason.
- Please all of you listen to me.
This is wrong, you don't belong here, none of you.
You're the stuff of legends.
- Perhaps you are right young miss,
but legends cannot dream,
legends cannot hunger and legends cannot feel.
- And a legend can't die.
- Do you think I fear death?
I who have known death and returned.
- No you haven't, none of you ever have.
It's all just something out of a book.
Whatever any of you remember, none of it ever happened.
You lived and fought and dreamed in another place
and in that place you all live forever.
However many times your heart has been pierced
you return every time somebody opens the book.
- Or sees the movie.
- What is this movie?
- Nevermind.
You can crumble the dust a thousand times,
you can die from a silver bullet a thousand times,
but you're always here, always with us.
If you live in the real world then you can die here too
and then you'll really be dead, and then,
and then we lose you,
and we can't lose you, we need you,
as much as we need heroes we need our monsters
because you're a part of us too.
- Oh yes, very good, very good, thank you.
Now can we get on with the sacrifice?
We don't want to be three feet tall forever now do we?
Come on, bing bang boom, let's go.
- Hold a second.
- No, everyone's had their final word, time to go.
- Well why are you so anxious
to bring these guys up to full size?
I mean once they're normal, pardon the expression,
what do they need you for and what do you get out of it
except for maybe a bite in the neck?
- Yes my dear doctor why are you so anxious
to complete this ritual?
- Well I just, I just want to do what I have to do here
and I mean, I mean,
oh fudge.
- Oh god.
- I swear by the prince of darkness
you will die a screaming torment.
- Yeah, well big talk from a tiny little Dracula.
Just for the record when the ritual is complete
and I've brought you up to full size
you'll be my slaves.
- You know if you hold your wrists a certain way
while someone's tying you,
you can make it look like they're tying you tightly
when in fact they're not.
- Hurry up, hurry up-
- slip out, there you go.
- No, no, darn it, darn it.
- No stop him!
No stop him, stop him!
- Stop the machine.
- No, it's too late, too late,
I've already locked the controls.
- How do unlock them? - Too late, let me go!
- Young man push the red button, the red button.
- Why are you doing this to me?
I don't want to go, no.
- Miss Christina?
- Wait.
- Oh, I think we're still in trouble.
- What happened to him?
To miss Christina?
- Who can say?
A trick of the doctor's machine
some how transformed her into a, what is the word'?
- An archetype?
- Yes and as a thing of legend
she has now returned to the place of legend,
and as for the good doctor--
- I suppose he belongs in there too, mad scientist.
- Perhaps.
- What, what now?
- Now you obey my final command,
press once again the red button.
You are very wise,
for someone who has not lived a single lifetime.
We shall return to our own realms,
to the lands that never die.
But do not fear,
we will always be with you in your nightmares.
- Let's see what we got for you.
We got a better tomorrow, a bullet in the head,
a better tomorrow two, the killers, and the killer angels.
Right.
Oh I forgot to tell you they're all in original cantonese
with Japanese subtitles.
No no no English.
- What do I do with that?
- Well what do you want some cropped up thing
or do you want the original director's intention
complete with all the Gore?
- Yeah yeah, I guess you're right
I'll go for the Gore.
You better believe it.
Oh listen Larry, Larry I gotta go.
Right, yeah I'll give you a call back, yeah.
Alright bye.
- Hi. - Hi.
How can I help you?
- L just wanted you to know that berber's lab is gone.
- It burned down?
- No, turns out he owed $1,000,000 on it
and his creditors already had a judgment against him,
so they just came in and disassembled everything
and sold it all off,
never even bothered to ask what it was for.
- So I guess that's about it huh?
Case closed.
- Almost.
I, I guess I owe you this.
- Oh great.
- I mean you are a professional.
- Thanks.
- You know I wouldn't have taken you to court or anything.
- I know, one more thing.
I brought you a gift.
- Oh god.
- It's a book.
- Oh that's fantastic, thank you.
I really appreciate it.
So what is it?
- It's a first English language edition of Venus in furs.
- Oh wow.
- Leopold Von sacher-masoch.
- Yeah, yeah that's great.
- Have you ever read it?
- No actually, but I saw the movie.
1970, directed by Jess Franco starring Klaus kinski.
Actually there was an earlier version
directed by Larry Buchanan, oh you know
the guy who did zontar the thing from Venus?
No? Well the guy who financed it, okay,
he broke up with the leading lady
so he had to throw it in the lake.
Actually I think there's a 94 version but it's all in Dutch.
I think I have it if you want to--
- David. - What?
- Real life.
- Oh.
- What is this movie?